Guilt

After making the difficult decision to end a pregnancy after a diagnosis of fetal abnormality, people report experiencing a whole range of emotional responses. There is no right or wrong way to feel following an experience like this one, but many people feel intensely guilty about the decision to end the pregnancy, although others do not. Each person’s emotional responses are as different and individual as the person themselves.

A diagnosis of fetal abnormality is a uniquely painful pregnancy experience.  At the same time as experiencing the loss of a wanted healthy baby, parents find themselves struggling with the responsibility of being expected to make a decision about whether or not to end the pregnancy. This can lead to a feeling of guilt about the decision they have made, and interfere with their ability to grieve the loss of their baby.

Making a decision to either continue with a pregnancy, or end a pregnancy, is very difficult. If you do feel guilty over your decision to end the pregnancy, then there are some strategies you can use to help you cope with it.

Words such as “should”, “could have”, or “what if” are thoughts that we all have from time to time. However, when we really focus on these types of thoughts, they can snowball and become an unhelpful and destructive habit. This can eventually effect your overall mood in really destructive and negative ways.

If you find yourself thinking "what if" or "I should/could have", it can be helpful to try to challenge the thoughts. 

You can look at the evidence about the thoughts (remember evidence means FACTS, not just worries): 

• Is there really any evidence that what I am thinking is right or true? 
• Are thoughts other, more positive or helpful that you have overlooked?​

You can then actively dispute the unhelpful thoughts by asking:

• How else could this situation be viewed?
• What is the likelihood that it may have happened that way?
• Is it helpful for me to think this way?
• How might somebody else look at the same situation?
• What would I say to my best friend if she was in this situation and thinking these things?

Now that you've asked yourself these questions, and found some more balanced answers the answers, is there another way that you could rephrase this thought? Try and write down some different ways of phrasing the thought in a more helpful or compassionate way. 

You might like to try and do this activity whenever unhelpful thoughts come along. Over time it will become more and more natural for you to identify unhelpful thoughts when they arrive, and to change them to make them more helpful.  Don't be surprised if it takes a little while to build the habit of disrupting unhelpful or negative thoughts - this is a new habit and takes practice.

With time, you will learn to manage destructive thoughts far more healthily.  Eventually, when negative thoughts arrive, you will be aware of them them without accepting them, or following them down the rabbit hole of a negative thought process. We all have negative thoughts like these sometimes, but you can choose to not give them more attention than they deserve. Think about the thoughts and feelings you’ve had in the past that you chose not to act on, or believe. You can choose to do that here too.

You have made the decision that felt the best for you, your baby and your situation at the time. At the time, there were no ‘perfect’ options, and you did the best you could with a difficult situation.