Ways to cope when Mother’s Day causes you pain

Most of our visitors to the website have experienced pregnancy loss and have hearts that are hurting. We want you to know that you are remembered this Mother’s Day as the mothers you are, and that we here at APDSA are thinking of you. This post explains some helpful ways to cope with the grief you may be feeling today, and also explains some ways your loved ones can support you. Remember, it is ok to avoid the social media influx of mother’s day pictures, and it’s ok to say no to social and family invitations if you need to.

“There’s simply no ‘right’ way to deal with the conflicting emotions that Mother’s Day brings up.”

Try to remember this today, and be gentle with yourself.

Acknowledging Mothers’ Day after pregnancy loss

It can be hard for family and friends to know how to approach Mothers’ Day when a loved one has lost a baby. This post details some ways of acknowledging the day, and some words you can say to let them know you care and are thinking of them.

As the post mentions, it is important to remember: “Before making the decision, it’s a good idea to consult someone closest to the bereaved, if it’s appropriate to do so, such as a sibling or partner. They may have better insight about whether your loved one is up to receive messages, however well-meant, or whether they prefer to be left to grieve in private.”

Our website section for partners, friends and family could also be helpful.

When You Have Empty Arms on Mother’s Day

With Mothers’ Day coming up, it can be a particularly difficult time for those mothers who have lost their little ones during pregnancy. This post shares some helpful ways to manage the grief during this time. Be gentle with yourself.

If you feel that you may need further support please explore our website, and in particular the Professional Support, Support Services and Coping Strategies sections. Remember that we also have a support forum on the website where you can connect with other people who have been through a similar experience. You can register for the forum here.

International Bereaved Mothers’ Day – There Is No “Only” in Pregnancy Loss

Today is International Bereaved Mothers’ Day, and we here at APDSA are thinking of all those mothers who have loved and lost their little ones during pregnancy. Jenny Albers beautifully describes how losing your baby during pregnancy can often make you question whether you were a mother when you were “only” 6/16/26/36 weeks along. Instead of the word ‘only’, she focuses on the word ‘already’:

“There was a pregnancy that had already progressed to six, or eight, or twenty weeks along.
There was already life as evidenced by two pink lines. The same pink lines that had already alerted a woman to her role as mother.
There was already the sound of a heartbeat, whether it beat for a day, a month, or longer.
There was already a connection between mother and baby.
And there was already love planted deeply in a mother’s heart. A love that had already begun to grow from the moment the first sign of life was displayed in the once empty window of a pregnancy test.”

You can read the full post here.  If you feel that you may need further support please explore our website, and in particular the Professional Support, Support Services and Coping Strategies sections. Remember that we also have a support forum on the website where you can connect with other people who have been through a similar experience. You can register for the forum here.

Steps that may help you through your grief

Navigating the path of grief can be confusing and overwhelming. Following on from the last post about self-compassion, this article describes 7 steps that you can take as you grieve to begin to heal. We also have areas on the website devoted to eating well and exercising, and sleep which may be helpful.

Being kind to yourself when you’re struggling

Sometimes the people who are hardest on us are ourselves. In the midst of our grief, what we often need most is kindness and a soft place to land. While our loved ones can rally around and provide us with this softness, we also need to remember to be kind to ourselves. This article  is a lovely starting point for how you can begin to be compassionate with yourself as you grieve.

Speaking about the unspeakable

It can be hard to find the words to talk to someone about a topic that feels unspeakable – the loss of a baby. This can be made even more difficult when the situation is complicated, or feels unfamiliar. One example of this is when there is a diagnosis of fetal abnormality and a difficult decision has been made. This loss is heartbreaking for the parents-to-be, and being avoided because someone who doesn’t know the ‘perfect’ words can be very isolating. This article describes how to be there for someone who is grieving the loss of their little one.

5 ways the loss of a baby is different from other losses

You may feel that no one can understand the loss of a baby, and in particular, your little one. This article discusses how the loss of a baby is unique and different to the other losses we may experience throughout our lives. We wrap so many hopes and dreams up in our little ones, that it’s important to remember that it isn’t just your little one you have lost, but your hopes and dreams for their future and the family you pictured.

If you feel that you would like to speak to people who have gone through similar experiences, remember that we have a forum here on the website where you can do just that. Click here to register.

 

Making space for grief, not “getting over it”.

What you can say to someone who has lost their baby…

“Use their baby’s name — their biggest fear is that their baby will be forgotten. Keeping their baby’s memory alive is now more important to them than anything.”

Catherine Travers lets us in to her experience of losing her son Benjamin here, and explains some things you can say to someone who has lost a baby. She describes the importance of acknowledging Benjamin by name following the loss. Although you may initially want to avoid speaking specifically about your loved one’s baby, for fear of saying the wrong thing, for some people it is important that their baby’s name be used.

“Talk about their baby — their baby will be their favourite topic of conversation. No matter what happens they will always be parents and will be just as obsessed with their baby as other parents whose babies are alive.”

The parents had hopes and dreams for their little one, like any other parent. They have lost their baby, but also the hopes and dreams they had for him or her, and their future together. Give them the space to talk about their little one during their grief.